I could also file this post under a new segment I'm calling either "Let's Examine My Life Ten Years Ago" or "I Don't Bring it Up Until it's No Longer Relevant." (Both are a bit cumbersome, I know.) I found this floating around in my unpublished drafts and figured that since the humor herein has all but formed that abject milk skin along the top, it's high time for me to pass it off as something I'm vaguely aware that I wrote. Though in my defense, the last one happened just last night. So there.
My cat believes herself to be a dog, so every morning when my mom is cutting fruit for her yogurt Taffy insists on a portion of the produce. I was cutting black olives for my salad the other evening and she scurried to my feet to wait for her cut. Thinking I'd teach her a lesson by showing her that she doesn't really want what human grown-ups eat, I chopped some olives into adorably tiny pieces and put them in her bowl. Within seconds she'd devoured it all. This morning she was waiting at my mom's feet for what would have been her second dose of fruit for the day. "Have you forgotten that I already gave you some, Taff?" my mom asked. "You need to do some brain exercises to strengthen your mental acuity. Try a Sudoku."
During the Olympics my mom and I were watching the American men compete in gymnastics. One of them finished an incredible floor routine, sticking every single one of his landings, then sat down to wait for his scores. He pulled a towel over his shoulders and the commentators reflected on
his performance. What did my mother choose to compliment after his amazing display of strength and athleticism? "Nice towel!" Only my mother.
"I don't understand the whole Twitter thing and those, what do you call them...twits." -Mom
I went downstairs the other morning wearing a navy blue pajama shirt and blue and green checkered boxers. "My," my mom said, "aren't you wearing quite the autumnal sleeping outfit!" I pointed out that my "autumnal sleeping outfit" (or my "slumber kit" for all you sports fans who know what a kit is) was long flannel pajama bottoms. What I was wearing was actually my "vernal equinoxian sleeping uniform."
"Here's another Q-tip. Oh...it's used." -Dad
There's an Eastern Conference MLS clash this evening between DC United
and the Chicago Fire. One of the DC players is out with "toe soreness."
How much does that suck? What do you want to bet he wishes he had a more compelling, badass injury like facial fractures or a torn MCL?
I was looking up tofu recipes on Pinterest as I was lying in bed last night and I found a mouth-watering one for a tofu scramble breakfast burrito. I was instantly starving and had a hard time falling asleep for the excitement that in seven hours I would make myself some tofu. I woke up this morning, bounded down the stairs, yanked the fridge open...and nearly cried. We were out of tofu--something that has literally never happened since I became a vegetarian thirteen years ago. I can't convey the depths of my despair when I was forced to settle for a bowl of granola.
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