Hilarious Hijinks

A couple weeks ago my parents, Mish and I attended the world premiere of Aladdin at the 5th Avenue Theatre. The 15-second TV promo promised a whirlwind romance and "hilarious hijinks." As the lights dimmed, Mish leaned over to me and whispered "There better be hijinks and they better be fucking hilarious." (After some debate, we concurred that "hijinks" does not end with an "x" as it does in this captivating photograph, but with a "-ks.")

The promo certainly lived up to the hype it tried to create, if by "hilarious hijinks" it meant self-referential humor, tacky puns, sexual innuendos thrown in for the over-seven crowd, and what Mish described as "a boatload of gay erotica." One thing's for certain, though: We were hell-bent on witnessing a solid two hours of rambunctious song and dance, and we did just that. Here are some of the highlights:

-The cast featured a black genie, a white Jafar, and an Aladdin who appeared only vaguely Middle Eastern (see above picture). Jasmine was flat (but not flat north of the equator, if you know what I mean), unengaging, and forgettable. According to Mish's glowing review, "Jasmine's a whore."

-Lately we've been watching a lot of The Biggest Loser. I mean a lot. For those unfamiliar with this television phenomenon (first of all, you're all dead to me), contestants spend three months living and exercising at "the Ranch," an idyllic country location outside of LA. During the musical, Aladdin's friends were narrating Aladdin's actions. "Meanwhile," they said, "there was big trouble brewing back at the ranch." Mish and I looked at each other and exploded with laughter.

-Aladdin's friend Babkak was played by a man who bore an uncanny resemblance to Zach Galifianakis. He was always hungry. "Why don't you hum us something?" one of his friends asked. "Hummus?" he asked. "Did someone say hummus?" Every time someone called his name I thought they were trying to say "Babcock" (as in CC Babcock from The Nanny) as the Aflac duck.

-I greatly enjoyed the genie's reference to Deal or No Deal in "Friend Like Me," as well as the aptly titled Dancing with the Scimitars and Mesopotamia's Got Talent. 

-After the show, while Mish and I made our way back to the car, we discussed how inappropriate it probably was for us to snigger and chortle sarcastically, slapping our knees in an exaggerated manner, when the man who got us the tickets--the composer of the musical and the original Aladdin score--was sitting on the other side of my parents.

-We had been invited to the opening night party after the show that was taking place "somewhere," according to my father. I forget where it actually was, but I know it was a nice place, a classy place, an expensive place where, as guests, we would not be expected to pay for what we consumed. Naturally, we declined. "We're the lamest," I said as we made our way down the sidewalk to the parking garage. "Meh," Mish said, "those parties aren't so much fun. I usually just stand around awkwardly eating cheese." 

-As we headed toward the freeway, Mish found it entirely necessary to hum "A Whole New World." I groaned. "It took me 13 years to get those songs out of my head!" I wailed, and Mish smiled and kept humming.

-After we'd arrived back home, I was sitting on my bed brainstorming ideas for this post. Evidently, the face I make while blogging can easily be mistaken for the face of an elderly man who has lost control of his bowel functions. Mish walked in, took one look at me deep in concentration, and cackled. "You look like an old man who wears nappies because he's become incontinent!" Thank you, Michelle. Thank you very much. Related: Stay tuned in the coming days for the official list of reasons why I will die alone.