Olivia's Not-So-Merry Gift Guide

Christmas is in eight days and, as it goes every year despite my best efforts to get my shopping done by September, I have hardly even begun to think about presents. This is partly due to the fact that for the first year I can remember, I don't have a winter break from school. I'm not coming home for the holidays. It isn't a respite from anything; it's not a reward after a hard week of essays and finals; it's not the chance to sleep in my own bed. It simply is. If you looked out my window right now, you'd think it was summer, or at least spring. I have therefore decided, since I'm not really feeling the whole Christmas thing yet, to make a list of ten presents I know I don't want to give anyone...or will give to only those people I don't care to ever see again. This is inspired by the Wait Wait Don't Tell Me Gift Guide, so thanks to everyone over at the incredibly hilarious NPR news quiz.

Olivia's 2010-2011 Not-So-Merry Gift Guide:

1. Microphone Tongs To be perfectly honest, I think these are awesome. I'm always looking for new and inventive ways to make a fool of myself in the kitchen, and I thought I'd exhausted them all until I discovered the ultimate dream for that very special culinary pop-star-wannabe on your list: a pair of tongs with silicone microphone tips. Because nothing says "Rock on!" quite like a souped-up kitchen utensil.

2. Inflatable Fruitcake We've all been there. Christmas dinner is over and friends and family are sitting around the table waiting expectantly for the grand finale. And then it comes...in the form of Aunt Mabel's infamous holiday fruitcake. A collective internal groan sweeps across the room. Why endure this when you could put the fun back into your dessert? The inflatable fruitcake is a whimsical alternative to any fourth course. It can be stored and reused, put on display for weeks at a time without growing legs and walking off, and best of all, it's probably more edible than the real thing. (Let it be known that I do not have an Aunt Mabel, nor have I ever tasted a fruitcake. Also let it be known that the video featured at the above link is probably the best thing that's ever happened to me.)

3. Smoking Mittens And no, I do not mean mittens that are on fire...unfortunately. I think this headline sums it up perfectly: "Smoking Mittens challenge Smittens in fight for 'World's Dumbest Mittens' title." Now, since all of you are extremely product savvy, I'm sure you're all aware of the phenomenon of Smittens--the mittens made for hand-holding--which I'll admit are kind of adorable, in that dorky way that most things I think are adorable are. But Smoking Mittens? Not so much. I'd ask what the inventors of these preposterous things were smoking, but the humor of that question is lost in realizing that it's kind of a valid query. But hey, they're one-size-fits-all, unisex, and reversible. Which is basically everything you could ever want in a Christmas present. However, if you feel these are a necessary purchase this season, at least follow my father's advice (which I don't usually promote, but in this case I'm willing to make an exception): "You could make your own by taking a pair of mittens and burning a hole through them with your own cigarette." That's totally more cost-effective, and probably more fun.

4. Fetus Cookie Cutter This might be the most disturbing thing I have ever seen. The only use I could possibly imagine for this is as a prop for a staunch Pro-Lifer in a big abortion debate. Or maybe as a snack during the safe sex/abstinence unit in health class. (Ellen: What, don't you celebrate Fetus Day?")

5. Fundies I don't know what I find more mortifying: that there's actually a pair of underwear built for two people, or that they're sold out. This coming from the girl whose idea of "fun" undergarments is anything that's not a solid color. I could understand, though, if there was a high demand for these among conjoined twins who had been recently surgically separated and were going through body-attachment withdrawals. Even then, still creepy.

6. Enema Bag Jewelry I was having a discussion about a month ago with a good photographer friend of mine. We were saying that the biggest indication that the world is, excuse my language, going to shit, is not the wars or famine or the global financial crisis, but the existence of a professional photoshopping group. After the discovery of this so-called "gift," I stand corrected.

7. Decapitated Teddy Bear Lamp I love that the slogan for this website, perpetualkid.com, is "Entertain Your Inner Child." Entertain? More like "Scar for Life" or "Scare the Crap Out Of." How could this possibly be a good idea? If you hate your kid enough to buy them this, why buy them anything at all? Why not just kick them out onto the street on Christmas morning after telling them that Santa Claus doesn't exist? I would much prefer being homeless and informed than being in possession of this horrifying product.

8. Toilet Mug This is a surefire way to rid anyone of that pesky caffeine addiction. I would say they should invent a urinal beer stein for alcoholics, but I bet someone already has.

9. Squirrel Feet Earrings When I think about exactly what would ruin my Christmas--and really, my life in general--these are at the top of the list. Squirrels are cute, I'll give you that. But you know what's not cute? Their severed feet dangling from your ears on elaborate gold studs.

10 . The Gift of Nothing Even better than the fact that this is the perfect gift for that annoying person you don't really like but feel obligated to buy a present for is Amazon's comment that "We don't know when or if this item will be back in stock."