That American Life Over There

Ira Glass makes balloon animals. And he loves Lady Gaga. And he knows how to drop the F-bomb. All of that plus the fact that his voice is so magical that I swear it is the single reason human beings have ears makes him hands-down the greatest man on the face of the earth. Also, he has a beard now, which I'm not sure how I feel about but I think I might probably like it.

The night was peppered with perfect moments, including (but not limited to) the following:

1. The woman who, during the Q&A session after his talk, admitted that she listens religiously to the show but has never donated. In case you're keeping track at home, that is not a question. After a drawn-out explanation of why she has not monetarily supported public radio, she had the audacity to--get this--ask Ira to call her to ask for money. I'm sorry, what are you? You do not ask Ira Glass to call you. The very opportunity to breathe air in his presence should be enough of an honor to last you the rest of your life. Luckily Ira was having none of it. "You want me to call you?" he asked. "Now, why would I do that? Can't we just consider this the call? If I call you, I'd have to call everyone." At this point, some random man shouted from the balcony, "Call me, Ira!" Ira pointed to him and said, "See? It's starting already." He then asked the lady how much money she had on her, and she ended up giving him the $38 she had in her wallet. In exchange he made her a balloon animal. I would kill for an Ira balloon animal. I would display it on my desk next to the peanut with googly eyes that I got from David Sedaris when he came to UPS during my sophomore year. I am very upset that this crazy woman who dared to ask THE Ira Glass to call her walked away from the theater with one of his balloon animals. Too bad for her that it'll deflate, whereas my peanut is doing just fine two years later. Take that, crazy.

2. Also during the Q&A session, a woman asked Ira to share his favorite story. He thought a moment, then responded, "Okay. I have a story that I promised I'd never share on the radio. But this isn't the radio. So I'm going to share it." He proceeded to describe a friend and her husband who attended a swingers' party. The friend shall remain nameless because after Ira told us her name, he stopped abruptly, exclaiming, "Shit! I just realized I should have changed her name. Okay, well for the rest of the story I will refer to her as Pam. Can we all agree not to take this outside the theater?" He continued with the tale, forgetting time after time that he had just renamed his friend, hence sparking an emphatic "Pam!" from the audience every time he did so. Even better was a moment toward the end when he accidentally revealed the identity of Pam's husband, which he followed with yet another "Shit!"

3. At one point Ira was explaining the process behind putting together the most difficult episode of the show--one based on the theme "Stories Pitched By Our Parents." He described calling his in-laws repeatedly, begging them for ideas for the show. Each time, he encountered the same insistence that they had nothing interesting to share on the radio. Twenty-four hours before the show was to air, Ira called them one last time, pleading desperately. "Are you sure you don't have anything?" he asked. His father in law sighed. "No, no. We don't have anything." After a moment he added, "Oh. Well, did we ever tell you about the time we met the 9/11 hijackers?"

In conclusion, I honestly don't understand why I'm not married to Ira Glass. That is all. (Side note: the second picture is obviously not Ira. It is syndicated sex advice columnist Dan Savage who is also fantastic and hilarious and perfect in every way.