Politically Correct Bedtime Stories

On a recent trip to Seattle with my dad, I discovered the Rummage Hall at Pike Place Market. The room consists of several tables covered with everything from books to teacups to jewelry to old plastic lunch boxes--all at thrift store prices. It was a delightful place and I walked away with an anthology of poems by American women as well as the absolute steal of a book called "Politically Correct Bedtime Stories" by James Finn Garner.


What I am going to do now is share with you some of my favorite excerpts.

From Goldilocks:

"Through the thicket, across the river, and deep, deep in the woods, lived a family of bears--a Papa Bear, a Mama Bear, and a Baby Bear--and they all lived together anthropomorphically in a little cottage as a nuclear family. They were very sorry about this, of course, since the nuclear family has traditionally served to enslave womyn, instill a self-righteous moralism in its members, and imprint rigid notions of heterosexualist roles onto the next generation. Nevertheless, they tried to be happy and took steps to avoid these pitfalls, such as naming their offspring the non-gender-specific 'Baby.' "

From Jack & the Beanstalk:

"'FEE, FIE, FOE, FUM, I smell the blood of an English person! I'd like to learn about his culture and views on life! And share my own perspectives in an open and generous way!' Unfortunately, Jack was too crazed with greed to accept the giant's offer of a cultural interchange."

From The Emperor's New Clothes:

"Now, tailors who move from place to place normally keep to themselves and are careful not to overstep the bounds of local decency. This tailor, though, was overly gregarious and decorum-impaired, and soon he was at a local inn, abusing alcohol, invading the personal space of the female employees, and telling unenlightened stories about tinkers, dung-gatherers, and other tradespeople."

From Rapunzel:

"There once lived an economically disadvantaged tinker and his wife. His lack of material accomplishment is not meant to imply that all tinkers are economically marginalized, or that if they are, they deserve to be so. While the archetype of the tinker is generally the whipping person in classical bedtime stories, this particular individual was a tinker by trade and just happened to be economically disadvantaged.
"The tinker and his wife lived in a little hovel next to the modest estate of a local witch. From their window, they could see the witch's meticulously kept garden, a nauseating attempt to impose human notions of order onto Nature."

From Cinderella:

"One day an invitation arrived at their house. The prince was celebrating his exploitation of the dispossessed and marginalized peasantry by throwing a fancy dress ball. Cinderella's sisters-of-step were very excited to be invited to the palace. They began to plan the expensive clothes they would use to alter and enslave their natural body images to emulate an unrealistic standard of feminine beauty. (It was especially unrealistic in their case, as they were differently visaged enough to stop a clock.)"

Can you believe I got this gem for only $1.00? It feels like satirical robbery. Nonetheless, you can bet I will be reading this nightly to my children, whenever they may be. Thank you, James Finn Garner, for making my life just a little bit better.