So That Happened

Evidently I don't know how to be a person. See for yourself:

1. I was cleaning the house the other morning while reminding my cat, as I do 700 times every hour, that she is the best little calico stringbean on the planet. So intent was I on conveying my love that I absentmindedly vacuumed over the cord to the blinds in the living room window. I cursed, assured my cat that the expletive was not directed at her, and yanked the cord angrily from the maw of the vacuum. When I turned it back on it refused to work. It practically crossed its arms in defiance. "Okay, Taff," I said, clapping my hands and rubbing them together like we were about to formulate an attack plan as the crime-fighting duo I'd always hoped we'd be. "Let's get a screwdriver and open this sucker up!" And I--we--did just that. The vacuum belt had come loose so I looped it back into place, replaced the plastic cover, and turned it on. Success! "Taff!" I shouted. "Did you see that? Your mama's a genius!" And then I promptly vacuumed over my foot.

2. The picture on the box of Trader Joe's cinnamon vanilla tea is a lemur tangled in a strand of Christmas lights. I can't tell you how happy this makes me.

3. I have developed a somewhat persistent eye twitch that has been plaguing me for the past five days. I'd finally had enough this evening and sat down at the computer to find a cure. Of the handfuls of remedies that presented themselves, two in particular seemed keen on being found:

1) Stop drinking coffee.

2) See a psychotherapist. 

These suggestions would be extremely helpful if it weren't for two things:

1) I don't drink coffee, and

2) No

4. I returned home from the library yesterday only to discover, five minutes later, that I'd checked out a book I already owned.

5. There's a possibility--slight, of course--that last week, while cleaning his bowl, I may or may not have accidentally dropped Guildenstern into the dishwasher. He seems fine, if you ignore the fact that his complexion is undeniably pale and his left eye is now gigantic. I submit this as proof that I shouldn't be allowed to raise anything with a lifespan that (normally) exceeds that of a fly.