A Modest Suggestion

Dear Snoqualmie Gourmet,

I was enjoying a bowl of your French Vanilla Frozen Custard last night and decided that I was bored enough to read the little blurb on the side of the container. To refresh your memory, here's what it said: "Our tier one vanilla beans are grown in Madagascar from hand pollinated tropical orchids raised in the rainforest by third generation farmers." Etcetera, etcetera.

I couldn't find a big enough
picture of the French Vanilla
Custard container, but since
you made it, you know what
it looks like.

That's a good start, but can you be a bit more specific? Call me crazy, but I would be so much more impressed if, say, the tropical orchids had been bullied in school and had persevered to become the best pollen producers southeast of Africa. Also if those third generation farmers were all missing major extremities due to various flesh-eating diseases and/or freak accidents, or had overcome obstacles such as crossing the US/Mexico border in the middle of the night or finishing three servings of mac and cheese from Old Country Buffet.

May I offer several unsolicited suggestions? Why not change your blurb to read, "Our tier 1.7 vanilla beans are grown in a soil depth of 6 centimeters, hand pollinated by a guy named Bob who, after having been proven to be not the father on The Maury Povich Show, relocated the rainforest of Madagascar to teach illiterate orphaned jungle children how to paint with their feet"? Or how about, "You won't find a more delectable, luxurious custard than ours, which is made from a rare species of self-harvesting vanilla beans who won the lottery but squandered their millions in a series of poorly researched investment decisions"? I don't know about you, but if my vanilla beans weren't harvested by a former Yugoslavian luge team I don't care to partake of any vanilla beans at all.

No complaints, though, about the Caramel Ginger Snap Gelato. That stuff is top-notch.

Sincerely,
Olivia

P.S. The day after I composed this letter was movie day at work. Guess what movie we watched. Madagascar. I had a brief chuckle to myself before realizing that all the kids had turned their attention from watching singing lemurs in headdresses to watching me. (In case you're curious, Snoqualmie Gourmet, that's the ultimate indication that you've got absolutely nothing going for you.) May you never experience such humiliation.

P.P.S. Can someone in your company please explain to me why a Google image search for Snoqualmie Gourmet French Vanilla Custard yields results that include the Melbourne, Australia tourism logo and a plate of cooked asparagus?