Some Things Before I Go

I'm leaving for Orcas in less than two weeks, and before I go I have a list of requests that I would like (both of) you to consider while I'm gone. Please and thank you very much.

1. Don't die. Seriously. Do not.

2. Don't suffer an emotional breakdown--or a breakdown of any kind--that cannot be remedied over email or Skype.

3. Don't wrap your car around a tree (even if it is the tree's fault) or decide to jump off the roof of a four-story building just to see if you can recite the entire alphabet before you hit the ground.

4. If someone could pop over every couple weeks to make sure my parents are clipping my cat's claws, that would be great. Thanks.

5. Stream Netflix on as many devices as possible simultaneously. I may have the world's most temperamental internet that goes down if I so much as stand up to turn on the light, but I will sleep a lot more soundly at night knowing that the people who mean the most to me have full access to everything I want to watch.

6. Photoshop me into all your pictures.

7. If you hold auditions for my replacement, I don't care what she looks or acts like--she could be a pyromaniac with, like, seven arms and a necklace of human teeth--but please, for the love of God, make absolutely certain she's not a Timbers fan.

8. Please let me know when Orange is the New Black starts up again.

9. Brace yourselves for long, rambling letters from the shop that feature such quaint touches as a running tally of the number of people who comment on my being left-handed, as well as ink splotches that result from the phone scaring the bejeesus out of me as I'm writing. (Meaghin, who has the misfortune of receiving my most inane island letters, can attest to this.)

10. I'm going to just miss the lilacs blooming in my yard (a fact that devastates me), so please go out of your way to smell every lilac bush you possibly can.

11. Forgive me for not responding to missed calls and texts in a timely manner. Due to some cruel, totally unhilarious cosmic prank, my phone will ring and I can receive texts at my apartment, but when I answer the line goes dead and if I try to text back the messages don't send. I will do my best to catch up on non-computer correspondence whenever I'm in Eastsound, where my cell service is (mostly) reliable. If it's an emergency, hang up the damn phone and call 911, you crazy person!

12. I will be spending a lot of time by myself in my apartment, so I welcome any and all TV and movie and music suggestions. That's a lie--I welcome most TV and movie and music suggestions. I can only watch glaciers melting so many times on Planet Earth before my poor little polar bear-loving heart implodes on itself.

13. COME VISIT! Pleeeeeaaaaase! I'll have plenty of room and I promise to ply you with chocolate muffins and garlic parsley walnut bread and picnics on the beach.

I think that about does it. I love you all and I will miss you so much. If anyone needs me for any reason, just say the word and I will be on the next ferry home. Truly.