No Need to Thank Me

I sat down this morning to work on the story I'm writing for my grad school application. As usual, I got distracted--this time by my folder of writing from high school. I came across the document my friends and I created one night at my house while waiting for Whose Line to start. We had been reading Pride & Prejudice in English and had just watched the beginning of the BBC movie version. We were convinced that we could modernize the story and make an Oscar-worthy film version of our very own. On this particular evening, a group of about five of us had piled onto my bed and Jessica was using my wireless keyboard to type all our ideas for the movie onto the computer screen across the room. (We'd set the font size to 72 so we could see it.) Writing down our ideas quickly devolved into Jess frantically typing every single sound that came out of our mouths. I have taken the liberty here of including my favorite lines from that brainstorm session, as well as some from the time we sat down to write our romantic comedy (which is still in the works), called Spaghetti Wednesdays. From these sessions came several quotes that really defined my group of friends in high school, the most notable being "Martha is not a dumbass" (Martha was a character in our movie, not one of our friends), "I am 'yping' like a delicate butterfly," and "Not immoral, dumbass, but with a lack of morals." I'd copy and paste the entire thing, but it's over seven pages and there are only five people on the planet who would appreciate that, me being one of them.

(A note: Because we were using a wireless keyboard, there were quite a few typos that came from poor wireless reception. To make this more readable I have corrected these errors in all the sections but one, and you'll see why. Also, please excuse the inconsistency of font. I don't know what's going on with Blogger.)

And without further ado, here it is!

"Prostitute! Prostitute! Did you know male prostitutes are called johns? They're like kicking at each other why are they called johns? Stop with the rain stick. I know somebody who hired a prostitute to make his gilrfriend jealous b/c she thought he was ditching laura you’re making this all up this is all b.s. her name is sheryl james and she is a photographer SPELLED WRONG it’s spelled C-H YOU ARE ALL LAME! Ha ha ha ha! Okay so what will elizabeth bennet’s name be? Lizzy? Eliza? Beth? Elizabeth? Not Beth not eliza perhaps lizzy perhaps in this time what would it be? There’s a hole in the bucket dear liza dear liza there’s a hole in the bucket I need a pitchfork! Can she do two tasks at once? Well certainly my friends. Just waiting for tom. Who’s Tom? I want one! No one understands me. Is that Tom that was like my soul, Tom Welling?"

Jessica's famous "manly face"

"we could find faults within our own society and make them satirical because little kids are bendy yeah I like that. Michael jackson!!! Eewww!!! Jessica you’re putting words in my mouth. Sounds bad. Jessica is not stupid she is very pretty and inteligent. Hey! I’m not a reliable narrator! Woo! Amoral = no morals. LINDSAY STOP SWEARING & LAURA!!!!!!!!!!!! Lindsay I’m kind of losing my voice."

"ahhh i5t’s not typing the consonants! Ahh!!!! OLIVI SOOL IS BAD It is not typing everything that I type it is theprsidet trying toconfrmu heKEYBOARD! I dn’tknw! No vowes! AwwHHH!! Whoa. Uh-h. oopsies, jes are you typin too hard? I am yping like a delicate butterfly!"

"what did you do to i hate you you are poopy.i was afraid you were going to say mad cow disease. My friends call me whiskers because I'm curious like a cati im serious; I’m listening don’t leave me every party has a pooper that is why we invited youper. hard liquor and whiskers where are you going don’t leave!!"

"do you guys ever get worried when you say like I feel so hot when people think you’re going through menopause? Dude we’re sixteen years old dude I’m getting a curling iron from santa I peeked! 

"Emily, you are like a man pig. Not even a man pig, a pig whore." 

"Julianne you are a thorn in our ass. She should be thirty. Julianne is not amused with our amoral jokes. Not immoral dumbass but with a lack of morals. Not bad morals but I’ll stop. I’m “sorry.” ~Joey Tribbiani. YOU WANNA BETTE? Midler. Keep going. So she somehow sets down the phone. I want a monkey. Shuts off the phone. No there was a really cute one on Conan last night." 

"Jessica sounds like a seal. She is messed up. She is a young mom. She is on the phone with petie’s mom.and she says the prego thing and she laughs like she understands the joke. A cute laugh. Julia’s voice is like mommy can we have spaghetti every night and petie chimes in like for the rest of our freakin'’lives something really cute. I just add in my own expletives when necessary. What did you say to me? Did you ever watch the Family Guy? The mom is really young btw 2o something? Whatever julianne. Hey. I don’t get it (that was Lindsay of course) Oh! F45vrb hu8 that was linz kicking me."