The Best of Bama

In honor (or should I say dishonor) of all would-be and could-be and probably-will-be presidential campaign stories in the news lately, I thought I would take a moment to remind American voters, in the least political way possible, exactly why we elected Barack Obama as leader of the free world three years ago. 

1. He looks damn good in a soccer jersey. He also supports women's soccer, which is definitely the #1 thing I look for in a presidential candidate. Too bad I'm not even joking.

2. He's not afraid to get in touch with his feminine side. Plus, he has fantastic taste in aprons.

3. He likes cheese. A lot.

4. No one can pull off rabbit ears quite like he can.

5. He loves America, Roman Candles, and white beards.

6. He is, you may be surprised to learn, a Chinese citizen.

7. He's got a mohawk and a Sounders foam finger. #2 and #3 things I look for in a presidential candidate. In that order.

8. He's an ally of our neighbors to the south: as his predecessor calls them, "Austria."

9. He's got the Haggadah memorized, always knows the perfect place to hide the Afikomen, only drinks from his wine glass when told, and wears his yarmulke at all the appropriate times. Also, he can fit on a Seder plate.

10. He loves wearing origami elf booties that he learned how to fold by watching an instructional video on YouTube.

And there you have it: ten reasons why I'm grateful Barack Obama is holding the reins around here. I for one take great comfort in the fact that my president is so versatile, so tolerant, so comfortable donning a cheese hat, picking up an Easter basket, and conversing with a marshmallow snowman who bears an eerie resemblance to Mr. Peanut.