So That Happened

Well, this is never happening again...

1. The cupboard outside of our bathroom is large and holds many things, most of which hurl themselves onto my head and/or bare feet every time I open the door. About once every decade, when I'm sufficiently convinced that the cupboard couldn't possibly be more of a mess if a bomb exploded inside it, I wipe the shelves clear and begin the Sisyphusean process of organizing. Among the treasures that were lurking in the dark recesses of the cabinet this time around were the following: approximately 9,000 bottles of hotel shampoo and conditioner; a sticky pink bottle of Calamine lotion that is, by my estimate, three years older than me; four twin-sized mattress pads; and my personal favorite, one unopened bottle of Fixodent Denture Adhesive Powder. I do not know what purpose this product might have served in my household, but at this point my regret at having found it far exceeds my curiosity.

I also unearthed several half-empty tubes of ten-year-old sunscreen and a couple crusty bottles containing an unknown clear, congealed substance. As badly as I wanted to dump these straight into the garbage can, the former Woodinville High School Earth Club President in me refused to throw the plastic bottles in with the rest of the trash. I must have spent an hour dumping the contents of these containers into the garbage, rinsing the potent bottles in the sink, and tossing them into the recycling. I don't even want to think about the chemicals I inhaled as I squirted centuries-old bath oil and dental adhesive powder into the trashcan, only to have the powder erupt in my face in great white plumes like a freaking volcano. The kitchen sink now smells like LA Looks Extra Hold Styling Gel and there is a thin layer of white residue on the tiles surrounding the garbage can. (Don't worry, Mom, I'll clean it up.)

2. I've decided to start relearning Spanish. (This seemed like a logical segue in my head.) I deemed myself linguistically hopeless when after four years of studying the language in junior high and high school the most complex sentence I could muster was "Quiero dormir" ("I want to sleep"). But no more! My dreams of being bilingual have been inexplicably renewed. Now, instead of watching rebroadcast soccer games from 2008 and screaming at penalty kick misses that occurred before I could legally drink, I watch rebroadcast soccer games from 2008 and make Spanish vocab flashcards for myself. Lest someone come along and try to outdo my patheticism and dweebishness, let it be known that while making flashcards for vegetables last night I looked up the Spanish word for "tomatillo" and honestly had no idea why it wasn't listed in the English section. I figured it out, had a good laugh, and then promptly did the exact same thing with "chile."

3. My bedroom window doesn't have a screen and I leave it open a lot. I walked into my room the other day and there was a bird perched on my bed. But not just anywhere on my bed. On my pillow! If this does not make you inordinately excited, please immediately watch this clip from Season 1 of Arrested Development twelve or more times.

4. And speaking of things my cat would like to eat...
(Good luck with that one, Taff.)

5. This is the greatest thing that has ever happened to me (particularly the videos for Mauro, Roger, Mike, and Jeff).